I’m looking for some feedback or thoughtful analysis with this post. Your personal experiences may be different than mine, but in the past I’ve encountered superficiality or a lack of honesty/authenticity in Christian small group settings. To give one simple example:
Once in a small group, I shared how I’d been feeling vengeful or vindictive towards someone who had wronged me. The response from the group? The leader looked at me with this dumbfounded expression, and made some nervous joke about not wanting to get on my bad side. The rest of the group was uncomfortable, and seemed shocked that a Christian would express or admit to these things.
So…I guess the other people in the group never felt vengeful or vindictive but just overflowed with forgiveness and love all the time! Yes, I’m being sarcastic. If they say this is the case…they are liars, or just self-deluded or rationalizing or something.
First, have you experienced similar? (I realize not all Christians are like this, and maybe you’ve been part of a truly authentic Christian community.)
Secondly, what’s the problem with some Christians? Why can’t they be honest with themselves and other believers?
1. Some obvious “superficial” answers might be: Maintaining an image (not wanting to look like a Christian failure). Being self deluded – they can’t even see their own sinful proclivities. Fear of judgment instead of support. Any other ideas???
2. But what about “deeper” analysis? What underlying beliefs could lead to self delusion or being more focused on your image than being honest? (Etc) What inaccurate theological beliefs or unbalanced biblical views could cause it? What biblical teachings have been overlooked? Or what secular ideas have had an influence?
Any answers or rambling thoughts much appreciated. Thanks. I ask these questions for a reason – a personal research project of sorts.
Enough Light 
Laura, I think your “superficial” answers in item #1 cover the majority. But I think there’s a Christian culture that has formed, especially in America and other Western nations, that says that you have to show yourself as the perfect Christian in most areas like the thought life. Other areas are shrugged off as not so bad (like gossip, as long as it’s not directly identified as such). Then there are areas that are lauded (like intentionally avoiding confronting sin directly, unless it’s done in a strictly theoretical sense).
I think our culture plays a huge part in what’s considered OK to express and what’s not.
So, how can that culture be changed? I don’t think it can be changed wholesale. The culture of a small group can change, but only if the leader and other influential members are willing to put forth the effort. Once that change takes place, however, it’s a much healthier group filled with people that are much better able to love one another and bring about godly change in people’s lives. Some will leave the group because that type of cultural shift is too difficult for them. Then some others will want to join such a group, seeking that kind of real fellowship.
There’s a line out of a popular song that I think is a great description of real fellowship (though the song writer was not referring to Christian fellowship):
“If I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my throat.
If I shiver, please give me a blanket, keep me warm, let me wear your coat.”
Hi GeoJono, Love that song lyric! I appreciate your thoughts in the 3rd paragraph about changing the culture of an individual small group.
I’ve been in similar situations. I think it’s a matter of wisdom when we open up to people and share our struggles. I have made the mistake repeatedly of opening up before I was certain I could trust the person. I think, ideally, a small group should be a place we can feel safe, but the fact is that many small groups are organized by someone, and not gathered naturally. That means it can take time. When we open up to people, it’s like we offer them a piece of our hearts. When they react in a way such as you describe, it hurts. I think it’s an issue of maturity on the part of the small group. If they are there just for socializing and feel good discussion, it’s good to know that ahead of time. I think the difference may also be the make-up of the group. I would feel far less guarded in a group where there is men, because I find that when women gather together on their own, without men, the discussion deteriorates more quickly.
I think you are on to something with regard to people wanting to put their best foot forward. The irony is that we all know that everyone in a group struggles with some sin.
Thanks for your comments Kim. I recently stopped by your blog for the first time in awhile, and remembered how much I appreciate your posts!
During our 5 yrs of bouncing around churches (primarily 2 churches, but visiting others here and there), we experienced a disconnect between how the pulpit/pastors described the small groups and how the small groups actually were in reality. Of course, no such thing as a perfect group. Genuine “doing life together” can get messy. Sometimes for legitimate reasons, a group may not work out. But the pastors described these groups of deep and genuine fellowship, but the groups all seemed like superficial social clubs. We were in 2 groups for 4 – 6 months, and even after months nothing progressed.
I’ve lost faith (for now?) in the whole small group concept. We are in a traditional adult Sunday school class now which is a different format and expectation, and we appreciate it.
Sad, but true, commentary on discussion deteriorating more rapidly in female groups.
Perhaps part of it is that engaging those things is hard, it takes effort, and it’s never over and done with in the short term but takes a sustained commitment to follow through with people who are sharing such deep matters. Also, we’re just out of practice in doing this particular kind of heavy lifting.
You are right Tim – “doing life together” is tough and we have somehow lost the idea of bearing each others burdens.
Oh, yes, I’ve experienced this, too. It happens most often when I share my bipolar diagnosis. (Not a sin, of course, but some people would have me believe that it is.) I tend to be casual about this as a conversation topic, and I think many people are put off by that. The more “proper” a person is, the more likely they are to think it’s inappropriate to EVER discuss mental illness. It’s like airing the dirty laundry!
The underlying belief is that we can’t be completely honest about this topic because we have to make everyone else think we’re perfect. Image issues. Now that I’ve thought about it, I think we’ve made an idol of how we look to others, and by extension, to God, as if we can fool Him into thinking we’re “worthy” of His grace. Admitting weakness or sin destroys the image of perfection. It also destroys any notion we have that we’re good enough just as we are, apart from Christ. When others admit/confess these problems, that makes us question whether our wrong belief (in our own inherent goodness) is true, and we’d rather not confront that.
On the other hand, there are some people who want to share everything with everyone and that’s a huge boundary issue. It’s simply not appropriate to share intimate details of one’s life with barely-known people, some of whom may have similar struggles but aren’t able to confront those yet.
(For example–I’ll issue a trigger alert for anyone reading!–I was in a women’s class where a young woman shared, casually and completely off-topic, that she’d been molested as a child. It was inappropriate, because there were probably other women in the room who now were forced to hear this information, and might have been triggered by memories of their own abuse. Given that no one had the option not to be there, and that this young woman had no way of knowing the background of the others there, and that it really was off-topic, it was inappropriate. In a different setting, among close friends or in a support group, it would’ve been fine. But we were near-strangers!)
So I think there are some people who view honesty with a wary eye. They’ve had the experience I did in that Sunday school class, been preyed upon by clingy/overly-needy/no boundaries type of people, and wonder if being honest will lead to that. I think a similar thing happens when I share the bipolar diagnosis; there are undoubtedly people who wonder, “Great, what crazy thing is she going to do? Is she going to go nuts like those people on TV (or books/movies/whatever) do?” And they stay away from that. Silly, of course, but that’s what stigma does.
Appreciate your thoughts Laura. I agree about boundaries, and trust needs to be established first which takes time – especially when sharing certain things. We were in a group for 4 months which still remained very superficial. After 4 months, we offered some suggestions for slowly taking things deeper. We were told, I kid you not, that the group had to remain social and superficial for 2 years first. Umm, 2 yrs? That seems excessive!! But I digress.
I think you hit the nail on the head with underlying beliefs in your 2nd paragraph. We seem to forget the Gospel. The Gospel isn’t just for the unconverted, but as believers we still need the Gospel everyday. We are still sinners that need God’s grace.
Actually I had a very similar experience, Laura. A friend/co-worker with whom I’d had personal conflict in the past wrote something in an email that I was very humiliated by. I remember jumping up and backing away from the computer in my anger because I didn’t want to impulsively write something back that was equally hurtful. I told my small group about these feelings of rage, and one woman said exactly what the leader said to you: “I think I’d better stay on your good side!” She said it laughingly but it still stung. This same woman was also once very upset when another person in our group, who was being very badly treated by her ex, was “too negative” about her pain and anger; she said the other woman’s expression of these emotions “made her feel depressed.”
I think it’s unfortunate that your group leader took the approach he did. It was kind of shaming. I was reading Brene Brown recently and she talks about how we can shame others by saying/implying “Oooh, I’d never do that!” whereas a better response is empathetic: “I think we’ve all had moments like that…” The truth is that we HAVE all had such moments/feelings, and authentic community acknowledges that. But some people (including leaders) aren’t comfortable with it.
Thanks for sharing your very similar experience Jeannie. I appreciate the more empathetic response example: “I think we’ve all had moments like that…” – that opens the door instead of closing it.
I think one factor behind this is that Christians are expected to produce fruit of the Spirit. Many go so far as to say that, if a person does not produce that fruit, the person is not really saved. I know that I cannot open up and be honest in settings in which this is believed!
Hi James, it is odd that people who think we should bear the fruit of the Spirit perfectly or all the time, seem to forget about the other verses in Galatians 5 and 6. The verses surrounding the fruit of the Spirit speak of the very real struggle to do the right thing, the need for Christians to help each other in this regard, and gently restore those who sin.
I appreciate all the replies! And plan to respond to each of you a little later. Thank you!
Hi Laura. I believe you summed it up in number one personally. It has taken me years to figure it out. And as sad as it seems, it is when you start to separate yourself from those who feel that way and start your own journey that may go farther than theirs at this point in time, my opinion. It seems lonelier but what other options are there? You have to maintain your personal race. And at some point acceptance and forgiveness becomes the new lesson. And unfortunately youcant Change them, only yourself and maybe them through prayer. Ugh!! Tough situation, been there for sure!
One of the reasons I spent most my life away from church was because most of the Christians I knew presented themselves as having perfect lives or better than those that were not Christians. I remember thinking I could never get in to heaven because I just knew I could not ever be good enough. This also made me feel like I needed to hide my past or they would thing badly of me. Anyway I met a messed up Honest Christian at about the same time that something big happened in my life that had me searching for Jesus. Once I met that ‘not perfect’ Christian was when I actually listened to what someone had to tell me about Jesus. Now almost 5 years in I have realized we are all broken in some way and I am not really sure why people act that way. I am sorry that happened to you, and the truth is there were probably other people in that room who had felt just like you. when someone shares a secret feeling like you did, I think its great. It lets everyone know we are all human and I bet there is just one person in that room who is meant to hear what you had to say. Thankfully where I go to church I have heard people share in classes a lot of very personal stuff and usually it ends up being a very good group time. Small group times should be that of sharing and a place of trust where we all can help one another on our walk. I thought your post was an excellent post today.
Thanks Terri for all you shared. I’ve heard similar stories before – that meeting a “messed up honest Christian” is what led someone to Christ. Here is a quote from an old post of mine about fellowship, which reminded me of your thoughts:
“Love will flow from one to another, when each is prepared to be known as the repentant sinner he is at the Cross of Jesus. When the barriers are down and the masks are off, God has a chance of making us really one. But there is also the added joy of knowing that in such a fellowship we are “safe.” No fear now that others may be thinking thoughts about us or having reactions toward us which they are hiding from us. In a fellowship which is committed to walk in the light beneath the Cross, we know that if there is any thought about us it will quickly be brought into the light, either in brokenness and confession (where there has been wrong and unlove), or else as a loving challenge, as something that we ought to know about ourselves.” – Roy Hession
Those are good words to live by, thank you so much for sharing them.:)