The observations in this post are based on my experience with egalitarian and complementarian men in both face-to-face and online settings. There are exceptions to the following, however the majority of instances fit the pattern.
I have not experienced respect from complementarian men, rather I am patronized by them. My opinions and abilities are not valued or taken seriously. My husband can attest to this, as he has observed first-hand the condescending treatment. However, egalitarian men have treated me with respect. I’ve actually been overwhelmed by the respect I have been shown. My input has not only been sought out, but valued.
And this got me thinking about an irony. If these egalitarian men believed in unilateral male leadership and female submission (which they don’t), I would actually have no problem submitting to such men and being led by them!
But the complementarian men? Based on their disrespectful and patronizing behavior, there is no way I would ever want to be under their leadership!
Another point…I came to the conclusion that there are only 2 church options in regards to the role of women: strict complementarian or fully egalitarian. Wait, you might be thinking that there is middle ground? For example, what about a soft complementarian view where women can do everything except be a lead pastor or elder?
Well, my personal experience is that soft complementarianism exists (mostly) only in theory, not in reality. In an old post entitled “Women in ministry…lip service vs reality” I address this problem. A church may say that women have more freedom to serve, but gifted women in their midst are not encouraged, their input not sought, and little effort (if any) is made to utilize their gifts more broadly in the church body. It is lip service only.
It comes down to the underlying views of women. If you tend to see all women as forever tainted by Eve in Genesis 3, and that the core sin for women is to want to usurp male authority – then it only makes sense that there will be a hesitation to encourage women to do more. Women can even be treated a bit like children. The underlying theology is off-base, ultimately leading to an approach that can never truly value or respect women, even when a genuine attempt is made to do so (more below).
In a 3-part review of a complementarian book, I analyze and point out the foundational problems. Another post that may be of interest is a straightforward one on Genesis: It all begins in Genesis…the absence of male rule and gender hierarchy in Genesis 1 and 2.
In a recent publication I read, from a complementarian perspective, there was a somewhat worthwhile article attempting to address how gifted women can be better valued and utilized by the church. This effort was encouraging, yet the underlying view, although subtle, was there: women just can’t be trusted, but men can be.
For example, women are cautioned against certain sinful attitudes and portrayed as potentially wanting to seize power through manipulation or in other unhealthy ways, and warned against this. But there is no corresponding portrayal and caution of men about holding their power in dictatorial and unhealthy ways! Surely men have sinful attitudes that also require a word of caution.
And to be frank, no women I know – who are seeking more opportunity in the church – want to compete with or topple the men. They don’t. They simply want to be valued and given the opportunity to lead and use their gifts along with the men.
Even if some women feel forced to use unhealthy and sinful ways to wiggle their way into power, shouldn’t there be honest analysis of why they have had to revert to such tactics? Shouldn’t there at least be some indictment of the men for an inappropriate and sinful use of their power?
Again, the point is that… the underlying complementarian theology makes it more challenging to create an atmosphere where men and women can serve side-by-side, both utilizing the gifts God has given them.
It can create the very power struggle they are trying to prevent, as men seek to maintain control over the supposedly usurping women.
Instead of being a blessed alliance for the kingdom of God, there is suspicion between the sexes.
Egalitarianism is more capable of creating an edifying atmosphere where men and women can work together, not as competitors, but truly side-by-side, as God intended in Genesis 1 and 2 and through the redemption of relationships that came through Christ Jesus. (Note that I realistically said “more capable” – we still live in a fallen world and no approach will work perfectly all the time. Egalitarianism can fail. )
The time grows shorter my friends for the return of our Lord Jesus. When Jesus returns may he find the gifts of both his sons and daughters being fully utilized, and not latent or buried because of silly and unbiblical gender restrictions.
Enough Light 
This has absolutely been my experience as well. Thank you for laying it out so clearly.
Good to know that another has experienced similar. Thanks for your comment Melanie.
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I am intrigued. I don’t know what the terms egalitarian and complementarian mean, but I’m going to look them up!
The evangelical organization that stands for egalitarianism is CBE, Christians for Biblical Equality. The opposing organization is CBMW – you can find that your self if you so desire (haha) – I usually just feel annoyed or angry after reading stuff there. Once upon a time I did not know the words either, but when circumstances led me to start researching the role of women in the Bible, church, and home – I was introduced. You will find plenty.
I tend to lean toward an egalitarian view as well. I have been in churches that were complementarian and have suffered much suppression as a result. The Assemblies of God are more egalitarian, and I think I may start attending the one we used to go to once again. My understanding, though I haven’t researched it much, is that Paul’s instructions regarding the role of women in the churches was aimed at correcting disorderly conduct during the services. If one is to take a legalistic stance on women being quiet, it would be like placing a muzzle on their mouths. I realize that some women are brash and loud and need a muzzle, but so do some men. What I have noticed, however, across the board, is that those who are naturally bold and talkative tend to get their own way no matter what sex they are, and this is the real issue that needs to be addressed. Being a quieter person, I have struggled to be heard, but when I suggested to the pastor of my current church that he have female altar workers because sometimes a woman has issues she doesn’t want to share with a man, to his credit he listened! Now women are included, which is very encouraging.
Excellent points on several issues. Yes, there has got to be some nuance to Paul’s statements — As no one takes it totally literally that women must be silent, or else women could literally not say one word once they walk through the church door! Paul’s statements must be taken in context of the particular letters, and I too see it that Paul was dealing with disorderly conduct or other specific problems at the church – and not giving a timeless principle for all time.
some churches do take that verse literally and woman can only speak in whispered tones if at all. —
and that is the big problem with pat/comp teachings—how those few verses on women submit/silent is so opened ended that hundreds of rules have been made up and applied micromanage all areas of a woman’s life (dress, comportment, marriage, children, education)
if you notice bible verses on dogs are negative yet they are beloved pets in our homes today with no mention or reminder that they were called scavengers, blood lickers, friends of whores— oooh who even would want a pet like that?
then what happened?
redemption is what happened. Christ’s sacrifice on the cross not only redeemed us from the curse but all of creation was redeemed. so why are women still kept under the curse and daily reminded of their weaknesses, and how easily fooled they are?????????????????
Too much jockeying for power in the Church. That’s not what Jesus died for! Godly leadership requires humility and a servant’s heart.
Yes – too much jockeying for power!
When submission is required, it cannot then be called voluntary. I agree, either you are or you are not.