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I’ve been married 23 years, I am in my mid-40’s, and…I don’t have children. Often I find myself relating to the plight of singles in the church setting. Singles can feel marginalized, overtly or subtly, by the church. Those married without children can experience similar frustration. While marriage and children are certainly good things, they can be idolized by the church. Good things can indeed become idols.
When marriage and children are idolized, where does this leave singles and those married without kids? They can be made to feel defective, less, not complete or whole….while they wait for that spouse or child to come along. Yet, as believers, we are complete and whole and accepted in Christ – regardless of our marriage or parenthood status.
And what if that spouse or child never comes along? While marriage and children may be the norm for many, it is not the norm for everyone. The apostle Paul extolled the virtues and benefits of singleness, and Paul remained single. Paul emphasized in Corinthians the importance of being content with our life circumstances, particularly in regards to our married or unmarried state. A good deal of freedom is given in 1 Corinthians chapter 7 when it comes to personal decisions about such matters. What is “right” for one may not be right for another. Some should marry, while others can handle singleness. Etc.
I often wonder if Priscilla and Aquila had children, and I like to think (pure speculation) that they did not have them. They traveled around to various churches, with and without Paul, and were committed to teaching the gospel. This ability would have been difficult with children in tow, and they seemed to have freedom to move about. But again, just speculation on my part.
An influential church in my area recently had a series on marriage and singleness, and some things about it showed up in my social media feed. (I already know I have disagreement with this church’s approach to gender roles. I review their book on femininity here.)
In regards to the current series, one person who attends this church made a good comment about contentment, and then shared the church teaching meme of 1 Corinthians 7:32, after which the meme explanation stated:
“Your singleness isn’t about you. Just like your future marriage is not supposed to be about you either. How are you using your current season of singleness to serve God and others?”
Ugh. This immediately bothered me. Do you see it? I can appreciate an emphasis on contentment and taking advantage of circumstances in our lives.
But the wording of referring to it as a “season” and the mention of “future marriage” is the problem.
Referring to singleness as a temporary season can create or contribute to discontent by the assumption that marriage is always the goal or endgame for everyone. It is not. Some people may always be single, and some married couples may never have kids – for a wide variety of reasons. It also infers that singles are incomplete, waiting for that special person to complete them.
[By the way, several years ago I had a brief conversation with the lead pastor at this church, and the idea that some may not ever marry – or may marry but not have kids – was NOT seen as an option by this pastor. These are temporary seasons only. Well, where does this leave me and my spouse? There is clearly no place for us at this church.]
And seriously, do you see the inconsistency and contradiction with attempting to make singles feel content while at the same time referring to their singleness as only temporary? Are we prone to be content if we are constantly looking for present circumstances to end? Umm, that’s not contentment. Contentment is a state of having accepted one’s situation. And isn’t it ironic to do this while using the teaching of Paul – who remained single and extolled its virtues?!
The church as a whole needs to get better at honoring those who are single or married without kids…of highlighting them and their ministries.
A friend of my family recently died. She was 92 and a life-long single. Even though I only saw this woman occasionally, I will miss her spunk! I loved the way the eulogy described her:
“…She was a conversationalist who cared for others. She had a mind of her own and an independent spirit….Please don’t misunderstand. She wasn’t resisting authority, or tradition; nor was she defiant…What I saw in her was a refusal to conform to the world’s standards or other’s expectations. She was firm in her stand as a follower of Christ and was not easily persuaded by whims. I saw in her a woman who was steadfast in her convictions and unwavering in her calling to walk with Christ.”
Highlighting such positive examples of the single or married without kids can be heartening and encouraging to those who may be struggling with their singleness or childless state.
It is normal to desire marriage or children, and this post is not implying that all singles or those struggling with infertility just need to “get over it.”
Rather, the point is that we don’t make their struggle better by making them feel desperate about their situation.
Instead of focusing on whether someone is married or not, or whether they have kids or not – why can’t we just honor them for who they are? They are complete in Christ, and gifted with unique spiritual gifts for God’s Kingdom.
November 11th: adding this worthwhile article link: Single and Equal.
Another: Why Do Churches Focus So Much On Families? Examining the risks of making “family” into an idol
And more: A liberation theology for single people
Why Do Churches Treat Singleness Like a Problem?, A call for (marital status) diversity.
Family First!— Not a Biblical Viewpoint. From Ben Witherington.
One by One: Welcoming Singles into Your Church
Yes, yes, yes!!! Amen to everything you said. (And this is coming from a married with kids woman.)
I’ve been bothered by how the church has marginalized singles and married without kids for years. I’ve also been bothered and more than a little irritated at having to listen to women talk who can ONLY talk about their kids. (The snippy, snarky part of me really wants to say, “Hey, you know your kids are kinda boring, right?!”)
I loved the part about the older lady you knew. That was an awesome eulogy.
Thanks Laura for the encouragement. I could have said more…haha…but only so much for one post.
Maybe it’s a topic for your next book!
Complete in Christ – and without him none of us are in the least complete, no matter what our status.
Thank you for sharing this post. At a church I once attended, I sought help regarding my singleness from the ladies in the church. They had no clue how to help me and all they could do was give me a blank look and say was “Just trust God” and “You’ll be married someday.” Of course that did not help and in my quest for answers regarding my singleness God introduced me to the egalitarian view. Oh, and it’s been seven years since I left that church and Mr. Right hasn’t come along yet.
It’s time for the church to remove its focus from marriage and parenthood and place it on where it belongs: Christ.
Thanks for commenting Katia.
“It’s time for the church to remove its focus from marriage and parenthood and place it on where it belongs: Christ.” – Amen.
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I think the real reason they tell us we are sure to marry someday is it absolves them of doing anything to help us. “Prince Charming will come when you aren’t looking for him.” What this actually means is, “Shut up and quit crying. I don’t really care about your pain and will say any nonsense to avoid dealing with it.
“Besides it might mean inviting you to my small group where we really don’t want you cause you won’t fit in. Or–worse–starting a singles ministry and letting other oddballs like you in. The fewer members like you in our comfortable little social club the better!
“If you ever want to join another church or quit the assembly altogether that’s fine with me. We certainly won’t bother you when you stop annoying us with your presence.”
Thanks for sharing this Rachel. Many need to hear your perspective – which I relate to.
We were at a smaller church for awhile that began small groups. Since most people lived in the same area, they could not divide the groups by that. Leaders decided to divide people up by life stage. But what about people who don’t fit nicely into a life stage? Even at this smaller church, there were about a dozen who did not fit. So they made this a group – the misfits. haha. We were asked to lead this group – being misfits our selves – married awhile but no kids. Our group met for several years – and it turned out we all got along great – being “misfits” in one way or another.
We should have shunned anyone “normal” who wanted to join us! haha. We actually did have some more normal, yet different, folks who requested to join us. Such as a woman who attended church alone because her family were not believers. We attracted a number of people such as this with varying life circumstances.
BUT shouldn’t the WHOLE church be good at making all feel welcome?! – Not just a group like ours?! Sadly, the church marginalizes so many.
Evangelical Biblical churches are way too conservative in the wrong ways. Condemning stuff the Bible doesn’t: interracial marriage, working women (even single women), televisions, computers, “non christian” reading materials, social drinking….
Many refused to stand up for our black brothers and sisters in the 60’s, help the frustrated housewives in the same era, or AIDS victims in the 80’s.
Perhaps more “oddballs” or eccentrics as church members would prevent clinging to the status quo simply because “We’ve never done it that way before!”
(The Word of God is non-negotiable. But why take stands where it doesn’t? Or promote stale traditions for tradition’s sake?)