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This season I’ve heard an excessive emphasis, in various Christian circles, on spending time with family at Christmas. We should all be with family on Christmas – period. That is what it is all about! Much of this has come across (to me at least) as potentially alienating or could actually make some people feel lonely, isolated, or guilty. The church unfortunately seems to excel at alienating people. I wish it would stop. Could we stop assuming everyone fits in the same little box or life situation?
What do I mean exactly? Of course, I am not opposed to spending time with family at Christmas. It certainly is a time to connect with loved ones. But is it necessary to word it in such a way that implies everyone must be exclusively with family? We should encourage people to look around themselves. This is not the time to be cliquey and focus inward on our little family. Look outward. Who out there might appreciate being included? Who can you welcome to the table? Or how about a group of friends gathering to celebrate, rather than asking someone to join your family gathering? We can idolize family.
Indeed, I attended a Christmas church service where the primary message was that Christmas was about family. The birth of Jesus seemed a lesser focus!
An important part of the Christmas message is that Jesus came to bring salvation to all people. The faith was expanded to include “gentiles” or those of all nationalities or cultures. The angels that appeared to the shepherds proclaimed (Luke 2:10):
“I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.“
Or the older man Simeon in the temple, who took infant Jesus in his arms, and proclaimed (Luke 2:30-32):
“For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel.”
Or consider the magi or wise men from the east (Matthew 2) who came from afar to visit Jesus. They were foreigners come to worship our Lord Jesus.
On a practical note, please consider some reasons that people may not be with family at Christmas. Here is a sampling:
- Not everyone has local family. Our country is large, and job transfers or other life situations can move people a distance away. Traveling at Christmas may not be realistic for everyone. If you are in NY and your family is in Arizona, that is limiting. Practical and financial considerations may make a family Christmas visit possible only every few years.
- Some places of employment never close, even on major holidays. Like hospitals. Health care workers may not be able to travel at Christmas. At the hospital my spouse works at, it is actually forbidden to take more than 1-2 days off in the 3 week period surrounding Christmas and New Years. This rules out any travels of a distance.
- Not everyone has family, or their family may be small. A friend told me about someone she met who had no family. Apparently, they were an only child and both their parents were only children as well. They grew up with no siblings, cousins, or aunts and uncles. And when their parents died young, they were quite alone in this world family wise. Of course, that may be an extreme case – but not everyone has multiple siblings or large extended families.
- People can be alienated from their families for various reasons, for “faults” of their own or for no “fault” of their own. (Note my putting “fault” in quotes. I am not placing blame here, but valid reasons may make someone choose to keep their distance and avoid family at Christmas.) Abuse, addictions, dysfunction – can sadly split families apart.
- What about the “foreigner” in your midst? Some of you know that I work with international students who are typically alone in this country pursuing an education. Flying home to be with their family may not be possible. While they may not be Christian, there are other holidays celebrated this time of year and the student may feel particularly lonely. Many students enjoy being welcomed into an American home and observing Christmas traditions.
In the spirit of Jesus and the Christmas season,
who might you include this season?
Preach, Sister. This is a powerful message of inclusion, and gospel-soaked on reaching out to people who might otherwise feel left out on the margins.
Thanks Tim! Someone shared this on twitter about the post: “Thank you for that post. I’m in my 40s, never married, one parent dead, estranged from rest of family of origin.” – May we all pray for eyes to see those on the margins.
Amen and amen! I second what Tim said: this is powerful and gospel-soaked!
On a similar note, I’ve started noticing the illustrations pastors use during sermons. Almost all of them are related to marriage/children, or else gender specific “interests” (based on traditional “male” interests, sports/hunting/athletic stuff, and traditional “female” interests, shopping/clothes/cooking. (Insert eye roll.) The “female” interests–bleh!–as a sermon illustration is generally used when a woman is teaching a Bible study, not when a male is preaching.)
Though I’m married with children, I feel uncomfortable because I know that there are people in the room who don’t have a spouse or kids. It’s unnerving, because though these pastors would never say that Christianity is for only the married-with-kids demographic, their illustrations shut a large segment of people out. Further, the illustrations may be incredibly hurtful for those who are single, divorced, widowed, infertile, grieving a lost child, etc. I wonder, though, how to approach the typical (for my denomination) pastor with this concern.
I agree that sermon illustrations can be alienating too. It is not that parent or traditional family illustrations can never be used, but they shouldn’t be limited exclusively to that. Certainly there are ways to illustrate points in broader ways!
It can be hard (I know from some personal experience) to approach leaders about this. I’ve found that the response is either that they quickly “get it” (yeah!) or they don’t get it no matter how you try to explain it – and you walk away feeling unheard, frustrated and mis-understood.
Hey, wonder if we should start a new ministry, maybe called Focus on the Family of God.
Love it rtube54!
So true! I was just about to write a blog post about the reality that for too many, Christmas is down right hard!
Jesus admonished us to care for the widows and orphans. He’s reminding us to make the season brighter…to look beyond ourselves!
Thanks kenzelsfire for your encouraging comments here, and on facebook too.
You’re most welcome, Laura…appreciate your thoughts!
Pingback: Please Shut Up About Family and Christmas – by Laura (some people are alone at the holidays; they are not married, have no kids) | Christian Pundit
How liberating too to remember that Jesus had no spouse, no children and spent his time with a bunch of friends who were often found wanting …
Great point Allie!!
The holidays can be a depressing time for me because there is so much constant reference to family, of which I have little. But honestly, I would not enjoy spending time with someone else’s family either. Sort of a reminder of what I don’t have. At this particular time in my life, I like to spend it alone. Loved your post!
As an introvert, I can relate to being fine alone. Extroverts don’t always understand that! But that is another issue. Thanks for your perspective Dustytoes, and how being with another’s family would make things worse for you. Very understandable. A few times we have hosted a “friends only” Christmas – meaning we invited just friends over, which was mainly those with no local family.